Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Tammy is short for Tamuel
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does