DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
This will never not be funny to me.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.