Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
an airline just for babies.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[eulogy]
line?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.