Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.