Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Unimpressed
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.