Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie