I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
no
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.