I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.