Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.