*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.