wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.