I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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2022 be like
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot