Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.