Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
the answer was staring at me all along
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.