[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Meow
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
the last thing a carrot sees
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
dream blunt rotation
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.