me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does