Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I remember when things only cost an arm.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!