Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car