My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.