Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up