[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her