Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.