Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
🍞🦆
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I wanna be friends with this person
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?