Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down