“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR