Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.