Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
they really do be looking like this
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR