This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table đ
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Had to try this trend đ
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Iâm 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: Thatâs pr–*thump*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
When you want to key his car, but he doesnât have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Itâs actually only âFrankensteinâ if itâs created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, itâs a sparkling monster.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because itâs the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and Iâm so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see âhow to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.â
I think Iâm good.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire