“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver