[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.