Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows