The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
they really do be looking like this
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
This is me
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.