Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*