me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no