If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.