Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.