someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.