If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.