adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You Might Also Like
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Anyone really
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?