“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I had to Stop for this
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great