People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s