Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of