Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
We found love in a hopeless place.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
DOOO EEEET
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
want me to check your oil?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: