Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
You Might Also Like
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.