ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
They say women only use 10% of their anger
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?