I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Who chose this font
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.