Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp