[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.