Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
You Might Also Like
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it