*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*3.5 thank you very much.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
😬
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.